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Oh America. You voted for the Douche-raft.

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Yup. Did you know that a group of sea lions is called a raft?

And did you know that the paycheck fairness act was totally fricking blasted down because we the people decided a bullshit obstructionist nightmare would be AWESOME for the next couple of years?

Pictured: A bullshit lady-hatin' obstructionist douche-raft.

The paycheck fairness act would have, you know, enforced the Equal Pay act. Now, I’m sure that most of the douches who voted against it were just doing their douchey obstructionist thing, but for serious, I bet the misogyny tasted good.

Turns out that misogyny tastes like fish. And much like fish, it is toxic.

Why do we need this? Well, transparency is a good thing. Transparency works quite nicely in the public sector, keeping favoritism and other kinds of office politics from getting out of hand. Also, women are told left right and center to be better negotiators, to ask for raises, to be ballsy!!!11!!1 And then not given the first hint of a real number from which to negotiate.

The secrecy around pay in America encourages a culture of LALALALALAA I CAN”T HEEEAR YOU!! about the gender wage gap, and keeps people in general from asking too many questions about the fairness of the pay that they are receiving.  Wages have been stagnant for over 20 years, while corporate profits have gone fucking bonkers, even during our recession. I’m sensing some kind of correlation here. I’m also picking up some vibrations from the whiskers of our ruling douche-raft— they tell me that lack of transparency contributes somehow to a culture where the top 1% can earn what the bottom 120 million combined earn. For doing what exactly?

I’m sorry, but unless you’ve simultaneously cured all disease, corrected all pollution, created world peace, eliminated all poverty, and given all creation one huge orgasm, you are not worth 120 million other peoples labor. Ever.

Nobody is, don’t take it personally *cough* Koch bros *cough*

Point being, women get the short fucking end of that bottom 120 million. Women of color get an even shorter end of the short end. Disabled, queer or transwomen get an even shorter end of that itty bitty tiny little shrift. Information is power, and leverage. Especially for people working at companies like say, wal mart. These people need this information because they, more than anyone else need to be able to agitate for a living wage, they need to be able to see the gross disparity and perhaps…unionize?

OH NOES! Workers, like mushrooms and elves, should be kept in the dark and fed a steady diet of that which comes from sea lions rear blow holes and also laser printers rather than the mint.

Equal pay for equal work is revolutionary, and I suppose terrifying if you are a CEO who effectively delegated every single thing all year except the intense and stressful work of taking huge risks with other peoples money, shipping jobs offshore and then paying foreign workers for shit, doing lines of sweet colombian blow, and sexually harassing your executive assistant. Lawsey, the labor, it is sisyphian. I fucking tell you what.

If that dude as getting equal pay for equal work, he would top out at stock options and thus be held accountable for playing fast and loose with money not his own. It must be a fucking terrifying idea, having your unlimited privilege checked even slightly.

Anyway, it’s all moot. Because this douche and his raft of douche buddies has no intention of doing anything that will accomplish anything for anybody who is not also part of the raft of douches.

Pictured: A douche who will now proceed to fuck you over, as much as possible.

I would write an angry fishless missive to the douche from my home state who voted against paycheck fairness, but I don’t think I could handle the standard barking yarfing man-sea-lion-splanation I would receive in response.

Basically, at this point, the douche-raft is in power, and their terrifying corporate overlords intend to keep us all down.

Pictured: terrifying corporate overlords who sell themselves as all cute and then bite off your fucking leg.


So Pepper and Paprika could be renamed “Liberal Feminism and shit as portrayed by cute animals” and that would be totally accurate. I would like to point out that I am in no way defaming Sea Lions by making them the representative face of the Tea Bagging Republicans. They defamed themselves by looking so fucking smug. Also, we have struck a layout with which we are both pleased, and which shall, barring sea-lion invasion remain our look for many years to come.


About Pepper

Pepper Lee Hales is a twenty something, married, vicious feminist liberal. She likes dogs, cats, spiders, epistemics and cake.

4 responses »

  1. But… but… Pepper… They are so cute and snuggly in their pictures and when I listen to them on Fox. And Christian Moral Values! (ohhh the irony!!!) so of COURSE I voted for them! Better than that crazy communist Nazi omgandhe’sblackandtalkingdowntomeagain president we have now!

    Right. No. I didn’t vote for them. I am moving to Europe. Where Tea Baggers are all over the news and not much else so they think maybe we’re all crazy… although they really would like to believe we’re not so… are we all like that? I set them straight, and made sure they know it’s the Tea Bagging Party, not Tea Party.

    Argh. Because really who the F knows.

  2. Oh, I know. It’s the whiskers that lure us in and then. Boom. PRIVATIZED SOCIAL SECURITY!

    Yeah, I think what kills me is all of the progressives who voted by not voting, when they had the means and info to cast a meaningful ballot. Because that shit has consequences.

    European countries must look at us as the sort of terrifying bully who has occasional moments of sweetness and then, without warning has a rage attack. Because the whole world had such hope when we elected Obama. And then….keep your gubbmint hands off mah medicare!


    We are but penguins.

  3. “European countries must look at us as the sort of terrifying bully who has occasional moments of sweetness and then, without warning has a rage attack. Because the whole world had such hope when we elected Obama” <—- pretty much. They still love Obama and don't really understand what our problem is. Although… I'd replace "terrifying bully" with "rumored-to-be-crazy-and-maybe-really-stupid giant."

  4. Yeah, you’re right, we’re sort of a lumbering, vaguely threatening, vaguely stupid always confusing asshole who makes no sense but is so.fucking.smug.

    I understand the issues that a lot of the liberal progressive base has with Obama, but looking at the completely over the top push back that his administration has faced, I am kind of shocked that he’s been able to accomplish as much as he has. I’m sure that our particular brand of two party politics is also hugely amusing for anyone used to thinking about the complexities of a parliamentary system.


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