RSS Feed

In Which the Ultimate Fuckweasel Mansplains

Posted on

South Dakota fucking blows, you guys.

I don’t know how else to say it. It jut does. For one thing, we have John Thune.

John Thune: Asshole Incarnate

Thune, incidentally, moonlights as this guy:

John Thune: Given the opportunity, would rip your face off

…and judging by his physical characteristics, is likely the bastard child of this guy:

Goebbels: Willed his cheekbones, dead-eyed stare, and wrinkles of evil to John Thune

Thune also sent me a mansplanation via e-mail, ’cause he’s hip like that.

See, I sent Thune an e-mail on behalf of Planned Parenthood, and a few days ago, he replied. I thought about writing back, but then I remembered that he’s evil, and therefore impervious to reason. Luckily, I also remembered that Pepper and I have this blog, and I have posting privileges. So.

Here is the e-mail, in all of its mansplaining glory, complete with my rude, profoundly unladylike interjections.

Dear Paprika:

Thank you for contacting me about the federal funding of Planned Parenthood. I appreciate hearing from you.

Thanks, John Thune! I love hearing from you too. ❤ (Seriously, it’s great feeling like my state senator and I are old buddies. John, I haven’t been able to find my copper pie tin—I was wondering if you had it, you know, from when I made you that apple pie a couple weeks ago?)

As you may know,

Well, I would know, if I were a dude. But I’m a lady, so thanks for the inevitable mansplanation!

the federal government provides funding for family planning services through as many as 27 different federal programs. Under federal law, any organization that receives this funding may not use the money for abortions;

So…you admit that this is a complete non-issue. Sweet. You so smart, John Thune.

however, the law does not prohibit organizations that do provide abortions from receiving these funds.

Well, yeah, but—

The Title X Abortion Provider Prohibition Act (H.R. 217), which was introduced in the United States House of Representatives on January 7, 2011, would prohibit federal grants designated for family planning from being awarded to any entity that performs abortions. This bill has been referred to the House Committee on Energy and Commerce’s Subcommittee on Health, and a companion bill has not yet been introduced in the Senate.

That’s why I was contacting you, but thanks for the reiteration.

Anyway, Johnny—can I call you Johnny? I can? Great!—just for the record, we only have two Planned Parenthoods in the entire state. Only one of them offers abortions, and it actually has to fly out doctors from other states to do it. Yeah, that’s right—no doctor in the state is willing, and you can’t really blame them, because people here are fucking crazy. So as far as your home state is concerned, there’s no point in limiting abortion further. You’ve done all you can. You (that is, both you in particular, and the collective “you” of SD politicians and anti-choice activists) have done way more than is constitutional.

I mean, I get it. You’re a bunch of heinous douchebags who hate women, especially low-income women, so you’re trying to punish them at every turn for shit that isn’t their fault. You want to take away their birth control, their STD testing and treatment, their cancer screenings, their pre-natal care (because you don’t actually care about the welfare of God’s in-utero angels, you just want to ensure that women are forced to push them out), and, um, a ton of other shit. So you target PP because ZOMG FETUS ANGELS.

Yeah. I get it. I just think you’re a sick piece of shit.

Additionally, the Full-Year Continuing Appropriations Act of 2011 (H.R.1), which was passed in the House of Representatives on February 19, 2011, included an amendment that would prohibit the use of federal funds for Planned Parenthood. At this point it is still uncertain how the Senate will handle the Continuing Resolution for the rest of Fiscal Year 2011.

But you’re going to win, aren’t you? You and your slimy weasel magic. I’m dying inside, and I need a drink.

I strongly oppose using taxpayer dollars to fund organizations that perform abortions. As a member of Congress, I have a 100 percent pro-life voting record and have consistently supported a ban on abortion. As a nation, we have come a long way in protecting the unborn since the U.S. Supreme Court’s decision in Roe v. Wade.

We? Who the fuck we? I have done nothing to help you protect unborn life. I rip placentas to shreds with my teeth.

However, we still have a long way to go in the fight to protect life in this country.

Oh wait—life. Like the lives of women who benefit from Planned Parenthood every day and who—

I believe all persons share essential human dignity, including unborn children.

Oooorrr not.

Seriously man, no. Non-feeling, non-thinking fetuses don’t care. Ladies care, though, about their well-being and their essential human dignity–and sometimes, dudes care about that too. I mean, call me crazy, but there you are.

Please know that I will continue to fight hard in Congress to promote a culture of life in this nation.

Please know that I will continue to spread the word about what a conniving little Goebbels weasel you are. (Goebbels weasel–it’s a new species.)

If you would like additional information on my activities in the Senate, please feel free to visit my website,

You know what, Johnny? I don’t think I have it in me.

Thanks again for contacting me. Please keep in touch.


Kindest regards,



JOHN THUNE: Somehow eviller than regular John Thune.

United States Senator

Yeah, I feel dead inside.


About Paprika

Paprika Davis is a perpetually annoyed twenty-something college student waitress who would rather be a squirrel. The lack of commas in the previous sentence bothers her, but her laziness overrides her desire to improve the writing.

3 responses »

  1. The hypocrisy is mind-numbing.

  2. It’s really heinously awful here. I mean, yes, I realize that wherever I eventually move will have its own unique brand of crazy, but we seriously have no one advocating for us in SD. John Thune ran for US Senate unchallenged. We are the asshats who brought you Kristi Noem. I once saw an ad for someone running for the Board of Education in which the word “education” was misspelled.

    I give up.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: