I never robbed that bank.
Look, I know what you’ve heard, but what you’ve heard is a bunch of lies. Just listen to me.
I got a checking account with that bank, and things were going really well, and that bank said I would be eligible for a business loan at some point, which was awesome. I’ve been wanting to start a restaurant, and I wanted that bank to be an integral part of my future.
So I applied for a business loan and got turned down. Me—turned down. I don’t understand why, I mean, I hadn’t done anything wrong. I never trash-talked that bank. I never considered going back to my old bank, or finding a new bank—I was loyal to that bank. But I applied for a business loan, and they said no.
What the hell, man? That bank gives out loans all the time. And cash, too. Hell, that bank has a drive-thru, where people just grab money and go.
That bank was open every single weekday, nine to five, handing out loans, dispensing cash, making change—but not to me. And why? I’m just as good as any of those other assholes. In fact, I’m better, because I respect money. I don’t just throw it around—I’m careful about when I use it, and where, and why. I’m responsible, and I should be a valued customer. I don’t deserve that kind of treatment.
A loan isn’t a gift, it’s a business agreement. It benefits both parties, right? I didn’t want to steal anything, I just wanted that bank to hold up its end of the agreement. I mean, they said I would probably be eligible, and that’s a verbal contract. So, since that bank wouldn’t just give me the loan like I asked, I went and took it.
Don’t give me that look. You’d do the same thing if you got screwed over like that.
I went to the bank, and I walked up to the teller, and I passed her a piece of paper that said I had a gun. I wrote the amount of money I wanted—the money I was owed—and then she gave me the money, and I ran off.
She told the cops who I was, and about my note. But come on—I didn’t really have a gun. I was just kidding. And again, that was my money. I had tried to negotiate with that bank before, and they had said no, so clearly the next step was to negotiate more forcefully. That’s how business works!
I feel sad, though, because that bank and I will probably never rekindle the loving relationship we once had. I just wish that bank hadn’t been so stubborn and uncommunicative. But hey, I’m sure the jury will be able to see where I’m coming from—it was nothing but a series of unfortunate misunderstandings.
Now I just need to find a new bank.