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Rape Is Not a Property Crime, But Even If It Were…

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I never robbed that bank.

Look, I know what you’ve heard, but what you’ve heard is a bunch of lies. Just listen to me.

I got a checking account with that bank, and things were going really well, and that bank said I would be eligible for a business loan at some point, which was awesome. I’ve been wanting to start a restaurant, and I wanted that bank to be an integral part of my future.

So I applied for a business loan and got turned down. Me—turned down. I don’t understand why, I mean, I hadn’t done anything wrong. I never trash-talked that bank. I never considered going back to my old bank, or finding a new bank—I was loyal to that bank. But I applied for a business loan, and they said no.

What the hell, man? That bank gives out loans all the time. And cash, too. Hell, that bank has a drive-thru, where people just grab money and go.

That bank was open every single weekday, nine to five, handing out loans, dispensing cash, making change—but not to me. And why? I’m just as good as any of those other assholes. In fact, I’m better, because I respect money. I don’t just throw it around—I’m careful about when I use it, and where, and why. I’m responsible, and I should be a valued customer. I don’t deserve that kind of treatment.

A loan isn’t a gift, it’s a business agreement. It benefits both parties, right? I didn’t want to steal anything, I just wanted that bank to hold up its end of the agreement. I mean, they said I would probably be eligible, and that’s a verbal contract. So, since that bank wouldn’t just give me the loan like I asked, I went and took it.

Don’t give me that look. You’d do the same thing if you got screwed over like that.

I went to the bank, and I walked up to the teller, and I passed her a piece of paper that said I had a gun. I wrote the amount of money I wanted—the money I was owed—and then she gave me the money, and I ran off.

She told the cops who I was, and about my note. But come on—I didn’t really have a gun. I was just kidding. And again, that was my money. I had tried to negotiate with that bank before, and they had said no, so clearly the next step was to negotiate more forcefully. That’s how business works!

I feel sad, though, because that bank and I will probably never rekindle the loving relationship we once had. I just wish that bank hadn’t been so stubborn and uncommunicative. But hey, I’m sure the jury will be able to see where I’m coming from—it was nothing but a series of unfortunate misunderstandings.

Now I just need to find a new bank.


About Paprika

Paprika Davis is a perpetually annoyed twenty-something college student waitress who would rather be a squirrel. The lack of commas in the previous sentence bothers her, but her laziness overrides her desire to improve the writing.

13 responses »

  1. Whatever, how are you supposed to know how to act around banks? I mean, they flash all of their money around and then expect people to just know when and how much they can have? It’s way too complicated, dealing with banks. They play coy and get you to take out a car loan, and then cry robbery when you break into the vault when they’re closed! Maybe if banks didn’t insist on having such nice buildings out in public all the time, they wouldn’t be getting “robbed” like this. I mean, banks are so hard to figure out, and like you said, how is a joking note “threatening”? That’s a gray robbery at best. I would call that a he said they said situation. I bet even the “witnesses” to the so called “robbery” couldn’t even tell anything happened until the bank regretted it and went crying to the cops, trying to ruin your life!

    Banks are such vindictive liars that way, and nobody thinks about falsely accused bank robbers– but if a bank accuses you of robbery, most other places won’t even let you NEAR their till, hell, sometimes even your family will hide their wallets and purses. It’s so awful, how these banks are out their throwing around their cash and then ruining the lives of innocent people when they get what they are asking for, amirite?

  2. Pretty crazy intense analogy. Never seen rape culture presented like that.

    A lot of things didn’t cross over as well as others (difference in a “loan” versus a “purchase,” or the role of a bank to provide a very specific public and private service) but the overarching point is painfully obvious.

  3. Well, yeah, except I already said in my title that rape ISN’T a property crime, so the exact monetary arrangement I use in my analogy isn’t really the point. The loan analogy compares the entitlement of rapists who believe they deserve sex to the entitlement of someone who believes they deserve a huge loan. It’s not a sex comparison, it’s an entitlement comparison.

    Anyhow, there are no exact analogies, just like there are no true synonyms. Since the point of my post was to point out the unbelievable stupidity of the “rape, it’s just a property crime, huh huh, amirite?” argument, it shouldn’t be surprising that the analogy breaks down.

  4. I thought this was a moot point anyways since it gets lumped in with sexual assault. Plus you don’t “own” a sex act (as in not an object to take.) It would be like calling public humiliation a property crime because you are “taking their dignity away.” Rape as a property crime is a silly proposition.

    Pepper’s comment made me wonder a bit as to how both of you perceive people who have had experience with a false rape accusation. I’m absolutely not trying to say that a rape culture doesn’t exist. Her sarcasm in referring to victims of false rape sounds more like making fun of the “what-about-meeeeee’s” rather than discounting false rape victims but I was just wondering.

  5. Yeah, the stupidity of conflating rape and property crime is part of the joke. The other part is that only women are held to these standards. As for how I perceive people who have been falsely accused, well, it just doesn’t happen all that often, and I was mocking the people who wander into every discussion about rape ever and start whinging “what about the falsely accused!?”

    As far as I can tell, the people who have actually suffered from false accusations were suffering because of the intersection of race and class (e.g. black men accused of raping white women who were lynched). I’m not suggestingg that false accusation is no problem, it is, it’s awful, I wish it never happened, but.

    Rape is not a crime for which even guilty rapists stand a high chance of going to prison. The odds of someone falsely accused of rape actually being prosecuted and convicted are really low. When that happens it is awful. But it is not a thing that happens often, not even as often as people dying from lightning strikes, you know?

    And so, I lose patience with the shit logic of “some people are falsely accused of rape sometimes, therefore all women who say they have been raped are lying whorebags!” (in cases of male on female rape, which are the most common, but by no means the only type) because THAT is doing a lot of damage to a lot of victims, and it is sending the message to actual rapists that they can rape and get away with it because women as a group are not trusted or believed, on account of some women lie just like *gasp* some men.

    Do you see the problem here?

  6. Yeah definitely. I’m absolutely for treating every rape case with the utmost seriousness. But even just recently I had a buddy who out of the kindness of his heart let a girl who got kicked out by her boyfriend stay over at his place. She found out she was pregnant (by her boyfriend) and claimed my friend raped her because she was afraid of her parents’ reaction. Almost cost the kid his entire college career (not to mention adult career) as well as some serious jailtime.

    He didn’t blame her (because she was scared) he essentially blamed the school for treating him like he was guilty based on her word alone. No court session was needed for the school to drop his scholarship and enrollment based on her false accusations. That’s what kind of scares me a little bit. I realize that’s an outlier situation and that the more important thing is to address the fact that rapes get severely underreported and trivialized. I’m just against the sort of knee-jerk reaction that happens when people lose focus that in a rape culture both men and women can be victims.

    I hope im not mansplaining too hard…correct me if I am.

  7. Oh for the fuck of shit.

    First, yes, you are mansplaining. You’re also derailing. My post was not about false rape allegations, it was a commentary on the aggressive stupidity of people who make false comparisons, and who refuse to hold other people and institutions to the same standards to which they hold female assault victims (or potential female assault victims, so, you know, women as a whole).

    You pulled this same crap on Pepper’s Women’s History post, latching onto one sentence as an excuse to pontificate about women in the military. It pissed us off then, and it’s pissing me off now. And it’s stupid, because as you wrote in your own comment, this false rape allegation “almost” destroyed your friend’s career and education. Meaning that it could have, but didn’t. Doesn’t that actually prove the point Pepper made in her previous comment?

    If your friend’s story is true, that sucks, and I’m sorry. Still, if the woman lied about the rape because she was afraid of her parents’ reaction to her pregnancy, that should tell us something about the way we berate and slut-shame women for something that requires two participants. The solution? More feminism, yo.

    But then again, that wasn’t the point of my post, and we will not tolerate any more derailing from you. Consider yourself warned.

  8. Oh wow, guy, do you make your own gravy too? You do realize that you just BECAME the butt of my joke about assholes who wander in to every discussion about rape anywhere and talk about false accusations….?

    I suggest you read this:

    notice the part where false accusations of rape (1.6%) occur less frequently than false reports of auto theft (2.6%).
    So, like I said before, (and you do seem to have a hell of a time reading what we both write, which leads me to question why you read here in the first place), it’s not a huge widespread problem.

    You know what is a huge widespread problem?
    1 in 3 Native American will experience multiple sexual assaults in her lifetime. 1 in 6 women in the non native population will experience a sexual assault in her lifetime.

    You’ve got a buddy whose life was almost ruined because the school did the right thing and happened to almost believe a woman who lied?

    I’ve got some buddies too– women and girls who were raped and weren’t believed “on their word alone,” who never saw justice, whose rapists probably went on to rape again. Some of my buddies are family members, some are friends.

    Women who report rape MUST be believed, and their reports MUST be investigated without the aim of discrediting them because bitches be lying.

    You are dangerously close to the frayed end of our tolerance here, dude. Keep that in mind before your next comment.

  9. Jesus christ dude. If the point of the post is competely and thoroughly understood and I agree with it, commenting to agree serves me no purpose. All I ever do is try to understand an issue from multiple viewpoints. Yours only being one in the equation of experiences. I can jump onto any other forum and get shittons of “alternative” personal experience on “false rape culture.” That’s why I ask goddamn annoying questions. I listen to both sides even though I may only fully agree with one. Trust me, you won’t have to deal with me again I promise. Every question I ask I feel like I have to walk on eggshells so that I don’t “oh noes derail, or mansplain.”

    I quite blatantly stated that a rape culture does exist and I have read all of your statistics about rape being underreported. I don’t believe in a false rape culture and I do support that women are much more the victims of rape culture than men. If you don’t want to answer my specific questions then don’t. They aren’t meant to show YOU anything. They are things I’ve seen that I would wonder how a feminist would respond to. I’m not being facetious.

    I’m gone. Your posts are interesting but your comments aren’t what I’m looking for.

  10. Lolzies. Man, there’s nothing better than telling someone straight up that you don’t indulge basic, feminism 101 questions in your space, that you insist on a higher level of discourse, and then provide that person with a link to website specifically designed to school morons like him in the art of treating ladies like humans, ONLY to have that person continue to ask dumb questions, become petulant when you get righteously annoyed, and ultimately flounce off with his wounded fee-fees recuperating in a basket.

    D’awwwwww, it’s so cute!

  11. Y’know, that’s a really good post.

  12. Thank you! I wish the comments hadn’t fallen so hard off the rails, but, eh. What can you do.


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