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In Which Paprika Proposes Some Much-Needed Constitutional Ammendments

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Earlier today, I told one of my friends that, had I been born a rich white dude, I would probably be a complete ass. Add an unhealthy dose of privilege to my naturally uncompromising nature, and you have a born wannabe dictator. But I’m also OCD, so the type of regulations I would put in place would be…well. Basically, they would force the world to enable me in my dysfunction. And they would be largely language-based, because I have a love of words that borders on the fetishistic.

Take the word “subversive.” I propose that people who want to use this word be required to prove they can do so correctly, at which point they will receive a license allowing them to use it in every day speech. Misuse of the word will carry ramifications similar to those posed by a DUI conviction: offenders will be required to undergo corrective counseling and will have their licenses temporarily suspended, and repeated offenses will ultimately result in the permanent loss of the offender’s license. If, for example, a licensed citizen were to say “man, Howard Stern is totally subversive and stuff,” that person would have to take a class on the subject of Oh for the Fuck of Shit, Reinforcing Tired Stereotypes About Marginalized Groups is Not Fucking Subversive, So Shut the Hell Up Already.  Failure to complete this class successfully would end in the offender’s public castigation, and he would be immortalized for all eternity on the Wall of Non-Subversive Shame.

On a more serious note, I also propose a rule about What You Can Say to People In Re: Their Bodies, the answer to which is Basically Nothing. If someone asks you something body-related, fine (although you should be careful about what you say); if you have an understanding with someone about what you can and cannot say, that’s cool too. But otherwise, you need to shut the hell up. Because it doesn’t matter whether you’re complimenting or criticizing—either way, it is none of your damn business, and you have no idea how the person you’re bothering with your unsolicited opinion will react. As someone who has never dealt with full-on ED, but who does have basically constant food-related anxiety, I do not want to hear what you think about my body. I don’t want to hear that it’s heavier than yours (seriously gramma, stop with the bi-yearly weigh-ins); I don’t want to hear that it’s thin; I don’t want to hear that it’s totally great and healthy. It’s not that I don’t care (trust me, I do), it’s just that I don’t want to think about it. This should be common fucking courtesy, but it’s not, so here we all are.

Furthermore, I propose that Christopher Hitchens be silenced forever, on account of the fact that he is a flaming bag of flaccid cocks. What few interesting things he has to say can be—and have been—said by other, less assholey people. Allowing Christopher Hitchens to continue pontificating from his lectern of douche does the world no favors, and in my personal kingdom, he would be barred from doing so. Hitchens would be banned from all forms of communication, including interpretive dance, and anyone found parroting his relentlessly misogynistic views would have their freedom of speech suspended, and possibly permanently revoked. Hitchens’ charming cottage in Intellectualville would be passed on to Chris Hedges, who is very smart and actually deserves it.

Per Pepper’s suggestion, my dictator-self would also institute a licensing program for the word “female,” mandating that the word be used solely as a modifier unless the speaker is explicitly referring to any and all beings considered female. Unlike the regulations regarding the use of “subversive,” however, the repercussions would entail brief imprisonment (up to six months) for the first offense, with subsequent offenses resulting in increasingly longer imprisonments. This seemingly unfair punishment carries the benefit of silencing the majority of MRAs, who love to refer to “men” and “females,” suggesting that female humans are not noticeably different from, say, a female muskrat.

In my fantastical dictatorship, bombings against abortion clinics, and all similar offenses, would be prosecuted as domestic terrorism. Protesters would lose their right to agitate outside abortion clinics, because when they shout after women entering those clinics they are not protesting the government, they’re harassing women for obtaining a legal medical procedure. Anti-choice protesters would thus be relegated to screaming themselves hoarse outside actual government offices, and women could go on exercising their freedom to rid their bodies of what amounts to non-viable parasites.

Finally, all users who get to our blog with search terms like “horse fucking lady” and “facebook sluts” would be banned from reading our blog. The person who arrived here by way of the search term “y’all let them steal your tea,” however, would be given a nice hot cup of lavender earl grey.


About Paprika

Paprika Davis is a perpetually annoyed twenty-something college student waitress who would rather be a squirrel. The lack of commas in the previous sentence bothers her, but her laziness overrides her desire to improve the writing.

15 responses »

  1. we DID let all y’all steal our tea, god damnit.

  2. “Furthermore, I propose that Christopher Hitchens be silenced forever, on account of the fact that he is a flaming bag of flaccid cocks.”

    This x 1,000. I know my fellow atheists/agnostics/non-theists are supposed to have All The Loves for him but… ever since I had my first exposure to him in Vanity Fair (when I was in high school), I. just. can’t.

  3. Oh yeah–the “Why Women Aren’t Funny” article? Pepper was reading it out loud to me while I wrote this post, and it was torturous. I can’t get on board with the ideology of someone who so obviously hates me and every other woman. I’m just glad that he’s not original enough to be necessary.

  4. The article that made me *headdesk* at the ripe old age of 15 had something to do with abortion, that’s all I remember. Even then, in my ninth or tenth year of Catholic school, when it was still honestly a novel idea to me that it might be non-reprehensible for a 19-year-old to have an abortion so as to continue on to college, etc. (my best friend’s mom, in the ’60’s), I was still able to look at the Hitchens piece in VF and go, “…….. Yeah, no.”

    It makes me has a sad when other secular humanist luminaries venerate him. There is just so much icky there. But at least he’s not as bad as his brother, oh my sweet sassafras, his brother.

  5. He…he has a brother? I didn’t even know. Cue frantic googling, probably followed by avalanche of despair. 😦

  6. @ Cynical Nymph….

    He has a a brother? There’s…more than one of them?Gah!

    Yeah, my reaction to Hitchens is: Don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining. Don’t call yourself enlightened and rational and espouse shittybad terrible “science” to uphold the status quo, just without one part of it (religion) that you personally don’t like.

  7. @ Cynical Nymph– O_O

    /screams and shakes fists


    /brain explodes

  9. Give you a special feeling in the happy place in your brain, doesn’t it?

  10. Oh, I love that The Daily Mail didn’t even allow comments on the article. Nice, guys–you KNEW that this article was a bunch of reprehensible bullshit, so your solution was to just to ban any dissent in the comments. Lovely.

    At least I finally found a pseudo-intellectual I dislike more than Christopher Hitchens. And it seems so appropriate that the successor to that throne is another Hitchens.

  11. My wife is a nurse and a few days ago a patient of hers asked her if she had heard of a product called Proactiv. The obvious implication being, “Hey, your skin is all zitty and you should do something about it!”

    I feel so bad for her because she already struggles with feelings of insecurity in her appearance and it is shit like this that DOESN’T HELP.

    Or how about the time when her female doctor – A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL – asked her casually when she was due and my wife had to explain that she was not, in fact, pregnant. (And it was a fluctuation of only a few pounds, not like she’s obese or anything).

    So yeah, shut the hell up about other people’s bodies!

  12. Oh, seriously? That makes my head spin. I do not understand how anyone could EVER think those kinds of comments are appropriate. People don’t exist just to improve some random schmuck’s scenery.


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