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The Value of Fucking Around

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So, I was talking to a friend of mine, Ginger Rae, who will hopefully soon be doing a guest post or three for us, and we got to talking about the place after a string of shitty relationships, where you just want to be alone, and figure shit out, and fuck around. You don’t want to spend emotional energy on anything but self care, chasing your goals, and having fun. I think that this is a really important space/time for women to have in their lives, maybe several times, but at least once. For anyone really, but especially women, and especially young women.

It looks a little something like this

Part of why I think it’s extra important for young women is that we are encouraged, pushed, straightjacketed, required, to be carers. Carers for our families, for our friends, for our schoolwork, for our nascent loves. We are supposed to carry lots of things for lots of people, and if we don’t, can’t, or won’t– oh lawsey. The selfish snotty teenager? The selfish bitch? The ungrateful woman, those accusations come roaring out up to 11.

In fact, those particular hideous cultural artifacts, in concert with “slut! don’t be a slut!” often push young women into staying in abusive relationships, and people who ought to be extending help to said young women to get out of said abusive relationships asking— “what did you do to provoke him?” i.e “what kind of care aren’t you providing so you don’t fail and thus deserve to be abused?”

Hey hey! Look at that shiny victim blamery and misogyny, directly proportionate to misogynist slut shaming.

I went through an abusive relationship, and when I left, and finally lived alone for the first time in my life, it was fucking awesome. IT was freeing. I finally understood how cats get so territorial.

I needed to be alone, I needed to fuck around, and not take care of anyone but myself. I needed to be selfish, I needed to be a bitch, I needed to slut it up.

I think most of us to some greater or lesser degree need this. Because this is where you learn some things about wanting, and needing, and boundaries, and having them too high, and setting them too low. You figure out what you believe, and what you don’t, and you can leave shit everywhere, or be operating room sterile for yourself.

Nothing pisses people off like a woman doing shit for herself, because she can. There is often pushback, to the fucking around. It must be disguised as going to school or starting a cupcake bakery or something, and even then, people actually get hurt feelings over you failing to be a beast of emotional and physical burden.

And of course, fucking around is not some universal panacea that makes you do it all right and never fuck up. Fucking up, and figuring out how to fix it, what can be fixed, and what will just hurt, is also kind of the point. Freedom is not freedom unless you also have freedom to fail.

I don’t have a huge overarching point here, because I just had a fucking hysterectomy, ok? 😛

But I hope that everyone who reads this has, or has had some fucking around, slutting it up, living alone, being selfish (self-care is so selfish, yo!) and having fun in their lives. I hope that if anyone who reads this is wondering if maybe they need to cross their ankles, you could drive a bass boat through there, and by god that laundry needs done, woman!  They might feel a little better flipping the bird, mixing a drink, reading a novel, not calling back, turning the phone off, sleeping around, and not doing dishes.

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About Pepper

Pepper Lee Hales is a twenty something, married, vicious feminist liberal. She likes dogs, cats, spiders, epistemics and cake.

6 responses »

  1. YAY!!! I love this!!

    YES FUCK AROUND AND BE SELFISH. And figure your shit out FOR YOU, damnit! Men are *tots* allowed to do this, I mean encouraged (“oh, he’s just being a boy”) to do this… but women? Ohhhhh hells to the no. Why aren’t you married or heading for a career young lady?

    The bottom line is this: “self-care is selfish, yo!”

    I think you had a lovely over-arching point, mah dear. Bravo.

    Reply
    • Thanks, yeah, I think young men are *expected* to do it, you know, it’s called being a bachelor .

      I wish it was expected that everyone would go through it, and maybe regarded as part of growing up (I think learning to do good self care is a vital part of growing up, instead of gendered. Le sigh.

      Reply
  2. Love this. No holds barred, simply “fucking around” as it should me.

    Reply
  3. Heya Pepper! I’m so glad you posted about our convo. I think it’s crucial for women to utilize and really take advantage of the time they have to be themselves…whoever that may be. I’d like to add: When I’m FINALLY able to step away from my roomate status, I plan to have the best, and I do mean the BEST, Bachelorette Castle ever! If guys can have a Bachelor Pad, then by gawd, I’ma gonna have me a beautiful, rules free, fuckin’ around, drinkin’-it-up Bachelorette Castle.

    Reply

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