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On Making Good Choices

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Hey. Poor people. You need to listen the fuck up.

Ok now:

Y’all need to make better choices.

I mean really, what were you thinking, getting sick? And on a work day, too. If you really need to get sick, do it on your day off—after all, what else are you going to do? It’s not like you have a life outside work, and if you do, you shouldn’t. Poor people are supposed to work, and work, and then sleep maybe three hours a night, and do it all over again the next day. That’s poverty. In fact, if you have days off, you don’t count as poor, which means you just shouldn’t get sick at all. And no, constant work and sleep deprivation are not hard on your immune system; you just need some Emergen-C.

So, ok, don’t get sick. Getting sick fucks things up, because then, if you have to call into work, they sometimes require you to bring a doctor’s note, and if you don’t have health insurance you have to shell out extra money for a doctor’s visit, and you miss a day of work, so you end up paying out the ass to sit around feeling miserable, and why would anyone do that? God, what a stupid choice you just made.

You also need to manage your money better. You make minimum wage, right? That’s 7.25 an hour, and you work 35 hours a week (because if it’s under 40 your employer doesn’t have to offer benefits), so before taxes you make, what? 253.75 a week, which comes to 1015 a month. Now let’s knock off some money for taxes, ok? It varies by state, so we’ll pick something that sounds reasonable—let’s say you actually make 950 a month.

This is totally enough money to live comfortably.

Let’s say you’re a single person living cheap. Your apartment is 400 a month, and your utilities come to about 60, and your phone is about 100 (you with your fancy smartphone that you totally don’t need to communicate), and your internet is 60 (why do you have that, anyway? Yeah, you’re a college student, but since when do students need internet access?), and you have several bills you’re paying off with excruciating slowness—they total about 80 a month—so all that comes to…700. Ok, well, you still need food, right? Let’s budget about 35 a week, which makes 140 a month, which leaves you 60 a month to spend on everything else.

Good thing you don’t have a car, right? Gas, repairs, all that shit—not having a car is a wise choice, one of the few wise choices you’ve made. Of course, you should also be able to travel everywhere people with cars travel, at the same speed, and no, you don’t get to bitch about how hard it is on your stupid poor-person body, because you chose to be car-less. Maybe you should’ve made better choices, right? Seriously, do I have to explain everything to you people?

So you have sixty dollars. That’s enough, provided you don’t get sick, or have to buy books for classes (if you’re a student), or need to buy a bottle of wine to bring to a dinner party, or have any unexpected expenses, or basically live at all.

Oh wait. 950 a month comes to 11400 a year, which is above the poverty line. You’re not even technically a poor person, and you still can’t figure out how to manage your damn money. God, you suck.

What’s that? Uh, no, the government does not have a fucked-up idea of what counts as poverty, you’re just a really very dumb not-poor person.

And what is up with you needing things? You don’t need things. Rich people need things. Middle-class people also need things (sometimes), but you? You need a better work ethic and the ability to balance a checkbook.

Uh. You don’t…have a bank account? I cannot conceive of a single reason why a person with no money would not have a bank account. What a stupid choice.

Also—and I know this is kinda rude, or at least it would be, if you were a real person and not just a waste of my tax dolalrs—but why are you so fat? As Sean Hannity once said, (The United States of) America is the only country where all the poor people are fat. And it doesn’t make a damn bit of sense, because as everyone knows, healthy food is cheap, filling, and delicious. Why spend five dollars on a meal at MacDonald’s when you could spend that money on a single container of unprepared wheat pasta from your local health food store?

No, you don’t need calorie-rich food, I don’t care if you’re working a double today. One slice of bread with peanut butter will totally get you through, and if it doesn’t, you’re clearly not cut out to be poor.

If you can’t hack it, go forth and be rich. This isn’t rocket surgery, guys.

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About Paprika

Paprika Davis is a perpetually annoyed twenty-something college student waitress who would rather be a squirrel. The lack of commas in the previous sentence bothers her, but her laziness overrides her desire to improve the writing.

6 responses »

  1. How WOULD we be able to tell the Producers and Job Creators from the Lazy People if we didn’t have wealth? I mean, if you have money, clearly you are better at Life. Just in general. Thank GOODNESS we’re doing SUCH a good job of avoiding inappropriately punishing the Producers and Job Creators in this country these days. Lazy People are poor because they’re lazy and probably stupid too.

    PS Who knew Warren Buffet was a commie?

    PPS Ayn Rand really is god. The things she knew, man.

    Reply
  2. What, $35 per week for food? That’s outrageous! You can buy Ramen Noodles 10 for a $1 and even if you eat three times a day, which is just gluttony if you’re poor, that’s a little over $2 a week. Hell, for $35 a month, you could have oatmeal and rice, too.

    Reply
  3. You know what? I’m starting to think that 60 dollars is too much of an allowance. Just imagine what poor people could do with that much money–why, it’s two whole dollars a day! If they collected loose change off the ground, they might come up with enough to buy one 8.4 oz Red Bull EACH DAY.

    I hereby demand that the allowance be cut down to 15 dollars a month, for an average of 50 cents a day. All excess funds are to be donated to Rick Perry. Not Rick Perry’s campaign, just to Rick Perry. He deserves it.

    Reply
  4. I saw a white hetero, upper-middle-class suburban couple riding the MAX in Portland, OR. They looked bewildered to be there. I overheard them talking about all the homeless people under Burnside. Then we passed a bar advertising $2 tacos all day. The one said to the other, “See? Look at that. And they complain about not being able to afford food.” I was all like, *vomit.*

    Off topic: BTW, Paprika and company, I am wondering if you all would be interested in trading blog links? I think we may have common interests and compatible audiences, as I blog on a wide range of issues including feminism. I couldn’t find a more appropriate way to contact you. Thank you for your consideration.
    –Ben

    Reply
  5. @Ben: Yeah, absolutely! I’ll add you to our blog roll. And *groan* to the $2 taco thing. The funny/depressing part is that those people also probably wonder why the poor people gots to be so fat and stuff.

    Reply
    • I’ll get you on my blogroll right now! And yeah, the health thing…always with the silliness….like having a refrigerator makes you not poor? (remember the whole Fox News thing about poor people having XBOXes and toasters?)

      Reply

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